a breath of fresh air

my vices - gluttony

2009-11-23T12:35:00.000-08:00

eat, drink and be merry! right?

i am a hedonist. always have been. probably always will be.

some times in my life i have more self-control than others. eating, drinking, drugs, smoking...the list goes on...

the drinking and drugs i have cut back to little (drinking) and none (drugs...unless you count the run of the mill aspirin, etc...which i don't)

food is something i struggle with because, damn it, i enjoy food and yet i don't enjoy being the weight i currently am at...
i am still wearing maternity jeans 6 months after giving birth to my second baby...i want to burn the damn things, but then i wouldn't have anything to wear except my sweatpants...
i have started a diet (god help me) and i am hoping my will power will prevail...aaaaaaaaaa!

moving on...the gluttonous smoker, i am. a pack a day...which i sure as hell don't have time to smoke during the day with two little ones...but oh, do i make up for it when they go to bed! a chimney ain't got nothing on me!
i do not plan on quitting this habit anytime soon...no food and no cigarettes makes nico go crazy! ; )

to quote dave matthews, yet again...
eat, drink and be merry...for tomorrow we die...

that old saying

2009-11-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

patience is a virtue.

i've heard that about a gazillion times, but never really thought about the fact that it really is...a virtue, that is....right along with temperance, diligence, chastity, cherity, kindness and humility.

the 7 virtues, the temporal opposites of the 7 deadly sins or vices. the yin and yang of catholicism.

the definition of patience is...the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.

getting back to my previous post on wrath...the 'truth' that i seem to be seeking may not be anything from my past, i think that it would be pointless to go digging up old bones when all i need is to do is BREATHE

could it be that simple?

i am reminded of a dave matthews song, 'big-eyed fish'...i am including it on my jam list, which you can find on my page...have a listen if you don't already know it

ah, simple pleasures!

my vices - WRATH

2009-11-20T12:51:00.000-08:00

so i was laying in bed last night and decided i wanted to make my blogs really personal...a way for me to express myself and maybe even learn a few things in the process...
i have always been the type of person to express myself openly (sometimes even too much, maybe), so why should my blogs be any different?
my first blog is about what i feel to be my biggest problem as a human being, and i will get to all of the big seven in the order i believe they are relevant to my current life...i probably would have put them in a different order a few years ago...but i will get to that in another blog
so...my biggest sin is currently WRATH
i have anger management issues. period. in fact, i have anger management issues! exclamation point!
i don't think i want to go into WHY i have such pent up rage just yet...i think if i knew that exactly, i might have better control over those nasty emotions.
all i know for sure is that it these feelings are STRONG and they are HORRIBLE and i wish that i could pull them out of myself and stomp the shit out of them!
i have two little kids and a loving husband who have to witness my outbursts and are confused by them because they know i love them and yet they see me being a crazy person. i scare MYSELF when the boogie man comes out of me, so i can only imagine what it must be like for them.
i am constantly struggling with some demons (fucking bastards!) and i do actually win some battles...but sometimes i feel like i'm losing...BADLY...the war.
here is the wikipedia explanation of 'Wrath...also known as anger or "rage", may be described as inordinate (excessive) and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger. These feelings can manifest as vehement denial of the truth, both to others and in the form of self-denial.'
it also stated that..'In its original form, the sin of wrath also encompassed anger pointed internally rather than externally. Thus suicide was deemed as the ultimate, albeit tragic, expression of wrath directed inwardly, a final rejection of God's gifts.'
so...vehement denial of the truth? that is what i need to get at...the truth.
i promise that is all that you will get in my blogs...i will bring this subject up again in my search for that truth.
all i know right now is that i am willing to change and i am ready to be a better person.
love will get me through. amen.

cherry popping

2009-11-18T13:16:00.000-08:00

and so it begins...
let me start off by saying that i am completely aware that i rarely, if ever, use upper case letters and periods...i prefer the damn dots! if anyone has a problem...DEAL or go the fuck away
having said that, i am happy that annie (one of my dearest and bestest - no, it's not a word...yet there it is in black and white - friends) got me onto this whole blogfest...i have always wanted to write and this is yet another dream realized...woohoo!